Friday, October 24, 2014

Coming back from the dead: 70.3 Recovery

After the race on Sunday:
EVERYTHING FUCKING HURTS. NO. IT'S NOT SORE. IT'S PAIN. PAIN THAT RUNS DEEP INTO MY BONE MARROW. NO. WAIT. PAIN THAT RUNS DEEP INTO MY SOUL. I SHALL NEVER FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN AGAIN. WHAT'S THAT WARMTH? FUCK, I JUST PEED MYSELF WALKING BECAUSE I HAVE NO MORE CONTROL OVER MY BODILY FUNCTIONS. GOOD GOD SOMEBODY GET ME A FUCKING GURNEY BECAUSE I CANNOT DO THIS. Wait. Am I dead? Is this what Hell feels like?

Monday:
OMFG THE SORENESS. MAKE IT STOP. Pleasebabyjesus. What did I do to deserve this? Shower? Are you kidding? I can't even lift my toothbrush, and I'm supposed to shower? I will never function like a normal human again. Who does this to themselves? This is torture. Oh no. Please, I can't go to the restroom again. I just went like an hour ago. I won't be able to get off the toilet this time. Can we call the hotel to help me get off the pot?

Tuesday:
WHO invented stairs? Really? That's just the dumbest thing ever. At least, I can walk today. If you call it walking. My feet were moving....and forward. That's progress. Yesterday, I felt like I was hit by a train. Today, I feel more like I was hit by a Prius. But why am I so tired? What happened? I was ok.....until....ZZZZZZZZZ.

Wednesday: The depression
I fucking hate life. I hate triathlon. I'll never do this again. WHY AM I SO TIRED? I WILL NEVER DO ANYTHING LONGER THAN A SPRINT AGAIN. This is ridiculous. I hate running. I hate everything. I'm hungry. WHY AM I STILL PEEING? I'm so tired. I just want to take a nap. No. Sleeps. I want to take long long sleeps. I will never fit into pants again. 

Thursday:
Wow--I'm starting to feel better, but I'm so tired. PJ's are ok for the grocery store, right? How many naps can a person take before it becomes a medical condition? Maybe I could ride my bike today. Let's switch wheels and see how I feel. 

Ok.Nevermind switching my wheels took everything out of me. I need a nap. WHY AM I STILL PEEING SO MUCH? Seriously, there can't be anything left. What I wouldn't do for a good poop right about now. Who does this to themselves? Voluntarily? I'm never doing this again. 

Friday:
WOW! I could go for a run today! I'm feeling pretty good. The veil of depression has lifted! And the universe rejoiced! Hey! I'm not even peeing anymore. LIFE IS WONDERFUL! ALL HAIL THE TRIATHLON GODS!

Maybe I should look at races for next year. 

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