Sunday, August 31, 2014

Relationship rules, no guidelines....oh f*ck it.

A few months ago, Coach Mike contacted me. Since then, we talk maybe a once a month, maybe less.

Then there was a race, I knew he was going to be there. I saw him. I purposely avoided him. Maybe he saw me and knew I was uncomfortable and did the gentlemanly thing. Maybe he never saw me. At that time, I wasn't really ready to talk to him in person. What would I say?

Then there was another race. Mr. Tea told me that he saw Coach Mike calling me, but I never heard him. I saw him earlier in the morning when I was doing my swim warm up. He was talking to a bunch of people. I didn't feel right interrupting, so I went on my way. I never saw him again later in the morning.

Then there was yesterday. I told him that I was going to make sure that I didn't miss him this time.

This probably sounds weird because we've talked over email, but email is safe. I hadn't seen him since the Christmas Party....and even then it was only for a minute or so.

I saw him enter transition. But I lost him. (There were almost 1000 people there).

He found me a little while later. I was really uncomfortable. What do I say? What do I do? Do I reach out for a hug? Do I say, "Yo bro. Fistbump".

I'm standing in the middle of hundreds of people, looking at someone I know extremely well and someone who knows me extremely well, and the wall felt huge. We're in the middle of strangers. The small talk felt so...small and pointless.

Maybe I should have asked if we could have a few minutes away from everyone, but I was scared and didn't.

I signed up for SOMA because of Coach Mike. Then I found out he wasn't doing it. About a week ago, he told me he's going to be there.

I'm looking forward to Soma for some closure. The year has had more than it's share of emotional ups and downs. I still have some hurt on my side. I think Soma will help me with that because it was the last thing we had planned together under our old "relationship".

If we plan anything after Soma, it will fall under the "new relationship" WHATEVER that is or is not. For me, it will feel more like a clean slate.

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